“There’s another side to me that is no stranger to anyone else”
A message from Camille:
I understand that how I feel in my darkest moments do not define me as a human being. “Do you?” I find it very natural to have unnatural thoughts, so I shamelessly share them here to remind myself, and anyone else who feels these emotions or thinks these thoughts, that “it is brave and therapeutic to release them in a healthy way”. Life is difficult enough, hiding our emotions and feeling alone only suppresses these thoughts into negative actions which inevitably have the power to domino effect multiple people including our loved ones. As an advocate for mental health and therapeutic practices I encourage you to seek professional counsel to share your thoughts with, because we are never truly alone. Here’s where I found mine: http://www.psychologytoday.com
CHAPTER ONE: 3/25/21
Is sarcasm an emotion?
I only feel humor, sarcasm and pain.
Did I ever feel happy without feeling this way?
When I first wake up
Am I happy I’m alive when I open my eyes?
Then why do I feel so upset
Have I not fulfilled my purpose yet?
If there was a time I felt happy it was probably mistaken for relief
From the pain I’ve felt all these years
Holding in the grief and swallowed tears
Laughter becomes a self soothing embrace from my inner self
This is the way I thank you for freeing me when I need help.
When I exhale I smile and wait
To breath in the medicine before I laugh again
And when I inhale to take it all in.
I find that it’s just oxygen— laced with sarcasm, laughter and pain.
We all need it to live and I’m here feeling insane
Because life is the joke
It always ends the same.
CHAPTER TWO: 4/11/21
I have a dark side.
A side of me that doesn’t know joy or peace or self worth.
A side that only knows pain and wants relief.
A side I’m ashamed to even release and acknowledge it exists.
A side of me that isn’t happy go lucky and doesn’t want to live.
A side of me that was born the day I first met betrayal.
It’s an inner child that seeks revenge in my adulthood.
It has no gender, no sex, it only want to self destruct.
It wants to check out and end all confusion wrapped up in pain.
Quick and easy however it can.
There’s no reasoning or compromising with it and no way to make it dissipate.
I would know because I’ve tried. I’ve cried. And I’ve met it face to face.
It sits and waits inside for the doom and gloom to take over so it can arise.
It only wants to emerge and fully take over my world.
It wants to end everything beautiful I’ve ever worked towards, and ruin the love I’ve always hoped for.
The only thing standing in it’s way, is me.
And I don’t know how strong I can be to keep holding on.
Like I’ve done for this long.
So just pray for me and I’ll do the same.
Night and day I’ll continue to pray.
With every rising sun I thank God for the warmth in the rays.