If someone can’t handle that which triggers them, they shouldn’t have to force themselves in it just to get through it. Recovery takes patience; whether it be from an argument, a depressive episode, a movie with no trigger warning, a professional disagreement etc… Human beings deserve to be treated with humanity towards each other. I am manifesting the day, utopia, the new eden, where we treat everyone with kindness and grace as we heal from the memories that linger in our DNA.
I love helping others out don’t get me wrong, but I had a spiritual awakening one day where I felt I was constantly doing for others but not for myself. How does one fix that? Through a hobby, volunteerism, charity, humbling jobs, inaction, envy, jealousy, anger, spite? Laying in bed after waking up a hour ago, I find myself in deep thoughts like I’m living in a dream state. Except I can’t keep my eyes closed for too long. The only problem is I don’t know what I should be looking at or focused on. I have always positioned my purpose outside of myself and it makes me feel content for a while. But internally this hollow feeling creeps in and I find myself feeling unfulfilled. And I’ve tried filling this void with God, work, men, love, women, more love, art, films, music, poetry, drugs, alcohol, food and sex. And what I have learned is that this void is never ending, and will never be filled with just one thing. As I write this I try and think of myself as a well in the middle of a forest. And how I have never seen one permanently filled to the top. Maybe this life of mine isn’t meant to stay filled to capacity, and I’m just supposed to be satisfied with that. Being content with feeling unfinished for as long as my life continues on. Maybe there’s purpose in that.
My mother always taught me to worship God, to thank him in the morning, throughout the day and especially at night. But in our home she also taught me how to love the devil. That he means well and he loves me even when it hurts. It wasn’t until I became an adult when I refused to tolerate mistreatment and mistake it for love. Although I knew better, it didn’t mean I never tried to love every demon that lied their way into my heart. Thank God I was smart. For I also left every single devil where I found them before it was too late, and after realizing I would never attain real love from them. I never learned how to love properly— that’s why I’m so bad at it. Fear God, give glory to him, and condemn evil doing. But how do we love without sacrificing ourselves? There has to be a way. Which is why I’m still here, searching for one. A way to love and be loved unconditionally before my time ends. And in this human experience, I am now aware of the powerful energy I conduct throughout my mind body and soul. I have learned that as we evolve, we obtain access to multiple dimensions in which love travels further and heals even faster than time.
I’ve always felt like something inside me had to die. And after all this time, I’ve finally come to find it’s been my inner child. This resilient little girl who was raised by wolves, paralyzed by trauma and fear, was told she was worthless and doomed to failure, was unable to ever be vulnerable, creative and too paranoid to ever escape or grow up. This child I vowed to protect as a child myself— I bestowed this responsibility upon my future adult self, to nurture her and care for her in safe spaces allowing her to breathe deeply. Well now I’m an adult and after four years of therapy, healthy practices, positive self talk, reinforcements and self love; therapy is over. The healing has settled in. Love has taken place. And she is allowed to die. I give myself permission to release us from this ghostly prison of traumatic hell. She deserves to pass on after all she’s endured, and at such a young age to keep us both strong, until now. I deserve to move forward towards the life I’ve always envisioned for us. It just so happens that only one of us gets to live it, while the other becomes a vague yet triumphant memory. And for that [for her] I am grateful, guilt free and no longer in debt. For being the me who emerged and unapologetically gets to live the life I have always deserved.
The me who finally sets herself free.
I tried wearing my trauma like a badge of honor, believing it made me stronger. Sharing my war stories with those who I believed needed an explanation for my audacious strength. Convinced myself, my unsettling past made me who I am today, but no. My trauma doesn’t deserve that credit. I’m here to reclaim my power and take the credit my healing process truly earned. “Don’t give your trauma the credit it doesn’t deserve” is a mantra that remains stuck in my head, as I practice my boundaries and reinstall my privacy settings that were taken from me. Which all had to be relearned through self love and healthy practices. I am now giving credit where credit is due, to me who did the work. So cheers to me, my inner child and my highest self. And thank God for therapy.
My dear tortured soul, our wandering spirits have crossed paths once more. My senses bewitched me when life drew you near. I felt you were ready for my patched up heart, as I was called to the warmth of yours. We never stood a chance against fate, so we quenched each other with hours of pleasure. So powerful, the sun gave us heat waves and tornadoes, as the moon created hurricanes and floods. I believe our alignment caused these tides to rise. Perhaps we’re a force of nature you and I, although peace is what you have given me. In this perplexing puzzle we call life, it’s possible you’ve been my missing piece.
You ever just feel like you’re being reborn. This painful process of growth and death happening to you and at the same time within you— then it starts to show. It shows in your attitude, in the way you move, the way you speak and even look at yourself in the mirror. You become unrecognizable to your own eyes and in the eyes of others. Those dearest to you are worried and cannot understand what’s going on with you or what’s changing inside of you— but you know. You’re becoming aware. And it’s something you need to become in order to endure what’s to come. It hurts not understanding what exactly is going on around you, to your mind or even in your spirit. But you only know that you wish you had the patience to wait it out. You can’t force this process and that’s what’s most painful of all. The waiting and seeing of what’s to come of this new version of you.
What is this I’m feeling at 3 o’clock in the morning. I’m smiling myself to sleep thinking of you. I had hoped to be dreaming by now but everything feels real. Well that’s because it is. I do not wish to compare or flashback to a previous life. I wish to live presently, love momently and smile effortlessly eternally. For this is how you make me feel. I can tell I’ve been waiting for this be real.
This piece was an exorcism of my emotion. My spirit animal survived the hell it was born into. The badgering of life became a breeding ground for its own personal hell. Left with no other choice but to emerge. Knowing there is nothing more dangerous than a trapped spirit. Born to be reborn, simultaneously created to be creative and eventually destroyed. It desires to be everything, and to birth everything. So beware of it. Treat it kindly and gently. Be on its good side and good graces. For you may find yourself blessed to be inspired by it.
Dear black women, we are constantly depended on to speak up on behalf of others. Yet when we speak up for ourselves it’s received as hostile because no one has ever spoken up for us before. Although it is unfamiliar to the human ear and deemed unappealing, it vastly important for us to be heard. I’m here to tell you, black woman that your voice is a part of your presence. Our voices are worthy of taking up the spaces we deserve, as much as our bodies and energies require. We are indefinitely divine.