The credits have always been my favorite part of the movies, second to the movie itself of course. It’s just that, staying later than everyone in the theater makes my love for films feel “reel” pun intended. Like I’m not crazy for loving this line of work because so many people are involved in making this production. It confirms my love for it, knowing many people like me are literally doing it for a living.
“This is my tribe!”
Although some may see working in television and film as a luxury, but to me it’s a way of life. It’s an industry where I feel at home. Like I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not or need permission to be who I am in order to be a part of it. Every production set is different, and I’ve been fortunate enough to feel a part of a family every time. And when all is said and done I feel proud to be in the credits with the rest of my tribesmen and women. So I feel welcomed by the credits, to “come, join us and help us create”. I feel it’s my calling to keep the business going, to continue the legacy of the industry while also becoming one myself.
Nights like this I remember black love. When it was a sense of peace and understanding. Whether it be the feeling of fresh grass underneath our feet after a first kiss. Or the smell of your skin and the midnight air in August. The sound of your voice over a song from my childhood. Or the taste of your irish beer on my whiskey tongue. Moments so gentle and so smooth. Which sense belonged to you?
My thoughts keep me up at night as they tell me I should be ashamed with the way I’ve acted. I try to inject it with thoughts of reassurance and positivity because that’s what I learned in over 3 years of therapy. And for that I am proud. I am proud of myself for making it this far.
Although problems are never ending, I am happy that my internal dialogue now has a positive side to combat my negative thoughts about myself. And that is what I call progress. It’s taken a lot of work and still does, but the hardest part has already been done. The preparation behind the conquest over the seas of my mind has already begun.
Like learning how to swim all I must do now is to keep kicking to stay afloat. To me staying afloat is congruent to staying alive. Hoping one day I’ll reach a point of “guruism”, where I’m laying completely and calmly above the still waters of my mind. An oasis where all my thoughts remain positive. With the exception of very few negative thoughts too weak to disturb the surface, essentially giving up before ever reaching the top.
I dream every night. And because of that I learn a lot about myself from my dreams. It’s hard to remember exactly how it began, but I guess that’s just the lesson of life. It doesn’t matter where you came from or how you got started. What matters is where you’re choosing to go and which paths you take. There will be many unwanted moments and stops along the way, but it’s having the journey itself that makes all the difference. Life is a lot like dreams in a sense, even if you have no idea how it’ll end, it all makes the journey worthwhile.
I heard her call to me all day. To lay down my pain and suffering on top of her. And allow her to create something beautiful from it. She spoke in a small whisper until I got closer to where her voice could pull me in. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know what to do. I just had to do it. And do it on top of her. She told me what I had to do. Unlike any other voice in my life, when she speaks I listen, right away. She told me to show myself and all who are watching that she and I are part of something way bigger than the eyes can see, and hands can feel.