It dawned on me this quiet foggy morning, it’s been toxic of me to hold myself accountable for things I had no control of. So immediately began forgiving myself profusely for I am deserving of self love in the form of forgiveness. “I forgive you, I forgive you, I’m forgiven”. Telling myself it’s okay that things are happening outside of my control because I know I handle very well that which I can control. “I promise, I’ll accept the things I cannot change”— trying my best to keep this in mind. Truthfully, it’s scary sometimes being at the mercy of circumstance and God. Because I have no idea what will happen. All that’s left for me to do is trust and pray things will turn out better than they’ve ever been before. Hoping I have more beautiful moments to look forward to. More love, more forgiveness, more passion, more grace, more trust, more joy, and more faith.
For so long I’ve created this faux vision of my life and how I wanted to live it so I could escape my reality and make a whole new life for myself. I’ve been trying this for decades. Until after my twenty second revolution [around the sun] my entire faux world came crashing down and began imploding within me. My fog was lifting mentally and my vail that I had conjured to cover my eyes from the truths around me began to crumble. All that I had ever known to be true in mind but false behind the veil was creeping through and forcing me to let go. But I still held on anyways because it was all I had ever known, all I have ever had to keep me afloat for so many torrential revolutions. My entire life seemed to be made up of survival years and then it all started to flip upside down. My ancestral plane had had enough with me living so many lives and lies. And I was forced to face the truth about everything.
Another four revolutions of healing and truth seeking, I realized health and truth began seeking me too and by any means necessary. I became hyper aware of my energy and the energies around me, I feel was able to decipher them. I could see into my future through meditation and stillness. I could feel space and time. I was hearing and feeling my angels and ancestors much clearer and closer than before. I was aligning with my truths and leaving behind what no longer was right for me. While also allowing what is meant to be in alignment with my humbled planetary experience, I stopped fighting my true natures path.
I found love. And as it welcomes me back it protects me on multiple dimensions, even those unseen to the naked eye. It replenishes me in ways only felt conscious and unconsciously. It frees me and I feel free. So free it sometimes triggers me. All I’ve ever wanted was to be free. I never asked for this life to happen to me. Yet I’m grateful beyond belief to be experiencing such a beautiful cosmic universe as a vulnerable celestial being in a mid-temporary body. So here I am. Living the life I envisioned for myself, starting at the very beginning like a dream, patiently waiting to get to the parts I remember seeing.
I believe I’ve given up on my purpose so that I can live effortlessly without worrying about it.
Are we too programmed for survival?
It’s only now that I realize, hearing the voices and seeing the faces of the ones I love, brings me the most joy I could ever fathom.
Does this mean love is synonymous with life?
Giving up on my purpose is making it easier for me to live freely. Being unbeknownst, or simply anonymous, makes it easier for me to let it go. Loosening the reins on my direction eases the pressure off my present. My hands red and bruised from the tight grip around the ropes of my imaginary future filled purpose. Setting myself free of it has never felt so wonderful. Like a wild horse finally released in the Mediterranean meadows.
My love, you make me feel so grateful. And in a world where everything is temporary, you make me feel forever. When I’m surrounded by darkness you bring me peace, you bring laughter to my cheeks and joy in my heart. You help me paint my grey skies blue. Baby I don’t know what I’d do without you, because whenever you hold me tight all my fears and doubts melt away. I miss you before you ever leave my arms. And every time I hear your voice, I fall in love with you all over again. Whenever you’re near baby you’re all I need. And I apologize if I’ve made you feel like I’m impossible to please. I know you know that’s just me, being your good little spoiled brat (oops). I just need to feel your love all the time, so I can hold it close when you’re not around. I know now that our love transcends time. Everything you do means so much to me, all your sacrifices and your blessings. I know you’re doing it all for us, because the world’s already ours. So thank you so much baby. I love you, from here to mars. ❤️💋🌎
Her betrayal acts like a cancer. Infecting my mind and getting in the way of how I receive love. Waiting for him to betray me, waiting for the pain he might cause to end all my hope and faith in love. Waiting for the worst. I want this part of me to die. I conjure it in my dreams taking shape of a Tyrannosaurus rex. Everyone around me is prepared to kill it, waiting with their guns out, but I’m the only one hiding ready to jump out the window. Why can’t I just kill it. Who is that T-Rex, is it me? These past 2 years had a greater effect on me than I even realized. And because I’m not consistently at work, I’m not able to hide from my feelings. I’m forced to evaluate my value and face my demons—decide whether or not I’m going to let them destroy me. And I am. I’ll let it consume me and the worst parts of me. I’m willing burn and cleanse myself of self doubt, unworthiness, insecurity and toxic self talk and make peace with my shadows for the sake of love. So I can rise from the darkness anew. Just like I always do.
There was a time I would’ve chosen to be smarter than this. To trust myself over a man asking me to trust him. Doing it out of love which he advised me not to, but I did anyways. I pray to God I chose right. I pray that trusting your influence over my instincts makes me stronger willed next time. I pray this was the lesson and not something I can’t reverse. What happens when you want the things you’ve never wanted before, and it changes your entire brain chemistry and neurological pathways. My strong independent frequencies have been redesigned to now be interdependent, and its changing my entire DNA. I sometimes feel like I’m betraying my old self for wanting my life to be different. Even though my old self is dead, this reality I find myself living in, started out as just a pipe dream in my adolescence. For years I’ve been imagining the possibility of achieving a material dream I never knew was possible. And now that it’s been full filled what is left? Out of insecurity I never wanted to admit that living a life of pure love was my truest desire. This idea felt weak, embarrassing and unpowered. But loving you— illuminates me in ways I thought were unsalvageable. I never expected anyone to have such an effect on me. Your energy feels so pure it perplexes me with familiarity. And with every self reflected revelation, I feel all doubt, in my previously ill conditioned mind, dissipate like morning dew. As the sun rises to reveal all the beauty of life that has been waiting to be discovered— I feel reborn as a woman in love. We have become beacons for each other, maturing as timeless lovers and evolved partners wanting to live a life of compassion. I now coexist with this gravitational feeling of responsibility, as these new desires in this new dimension challenge all my independent training and preconceived ideas about life.
If someone can’t handle that which triggers them, they shouldn’t have to force themselves in it just to get through it. Recovery takes patience; whether it be from an argument, a depressive episode, a movie with no trigger warning, a professional disagreement etc… Human beings deserve to be treated with humanity towards each other. I am manifesting the day, utopia, the new eden, where we treat everyone with kindness and grace as we heal from the memories that linger in our DNA.
I love helping others out don’t get me wrong, but I had a spiritual awakening one day where I felt I was constantly doing for others but not for myself. How does one fix that? Through a hobby, volunteerism, charity, humbling jobs, inaction, envy, jealousy, anger, spite? Laying in bed after waking up a hour ago, I find myself in deep thoughts like I’m living in a dream state. Except I can’t keep my eyes closed for too long. The only problem is I don’t know what I should be looking at or focused on. I have always positioned my purpose outside of myself and it makes me feel content for a while. But internally this hollow feeling creeps in and I find myself feeling unfulfilled. And I’ve tried filling this void with God, work, men, love, women, more love, art, films, music, poetry, drugs, alcohol, food and sex. And what I have learned is that this void is never ending, and will never be filled with just one thing. As I write this I try and think of myself as a well in the middle of a forest. And how I have never seen one permanently filled to the top. Maybe this life of mine isn’t meant to stay filled to capacity, and I’m just supposed to be satisfied with that. Being content with feeling unfinished for as long as my life continues on. Maybe there’s purpose in that.