Princess Burnout

Sometimes I feel like a burnout playing pretend. They gave us makeup as little girls to learn to cover things up. I think by now I’ve become a pro. I have such a unique past and it’s not that it’s haunting me. It’s that it is me. I am a combination of all things good and bad, happy and sad, disappointing and full of potential. I like milkshakes and movies, expensive jewelry and some designers. I set a good example to little kids. I have very classy taste. Yet the part of me that lives in the darkness craving poisonous substances cries out ever so slightly. And having an addictive personality doesn’t make it any easier. I like something and I consume it consistently until it makes me sick. I want the white house and blue shutters with a porch overlooking the lake. And a room so I can paint. But when reality hits it snaps its fingers and slowly disintegrates my happy go lucky fantasy of my future.

Why is life so beautiful and yet so hard? I want things to be smooth sailing after years of hardship, is that so wrong? To want joy after pain, a decade of pure sunshine after decades of rain. I love you but I want more than just words. I deserve change. I want flowers and I want them pure. I want diamonds and I want them hard. I want the ocean and I want it clear. I deserve a better life than the one we have now. Grateful for the one we got, sure. But I will always want more.

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