Love is many things

Love is both an act and desire to protect others from pain. Its wanting to spread joy and show comfort, it’s a choice after experiencing hardship in any relationship. It’s present at first sight and felt in a consensual, unguarded touch. Love is the greatest weapon against evil thoughts and energies. Every breath we take is an act of love, maybe even mercy. For me it’s surrender. Love is omnipresent even if we can’t see or feel it. In my darkest hours love has always made its way to me, to remind me I’m not alone. And in doing so love surrounds me, embraces me and renews if vow to protect me. I believe in love and that it’s here to guide our paths, replenish our hearts and nourish our souls. We only need to let it in, a little at a time. As much as we possibly can.

Life is a blessing and a curse

Do the beauties of life outweigh the discomfort. I feel trapped by both death and life. They say the dead envy the living so why do I envy the dead. How can I envy the dead without knowing their experience. When the dead knows what they’ll be missing: The touch of a loved one. The smell of fresh lillies. The warmth of the sun. I know what I’d miss most the sound of your voice and the waves on the beach. My therapist tells me people have babies and pets because they make life joyful and easier to bear. But I can’t bear the acceptance that life is something we must bear. The pain is too much. The monotony of everyday life and routine. Who created this system? Am I foolish or selfish for envying the dead. My mother say the dead know nothing, and that scares me more than suffering. Being conscious of nothingness and my thoughts forever thinking “what have I done”. I fear that most than suffering pain everyday. Thank God it’s not everyday. Luckily there are things and people who make life more bearable. Until that final day of nothingness. Maybe this is why we have heaven. It has to be.

Knock 3 times…

What would happen if I wait for you? Would you chase me? Would you never let me go? Would you follow me? Would you remember me? Would I be worth the trouble to message me first? Would you invite me in? Would you tell me a joke and share my sin. Can I come in? I won’t bite. I promise I’ll be nice but I’ll always be honest. One way or another I’ll always be your lover. That my darling I promise.

27 milligrams of Cuddles Conversations and Quality Time

I don’t wanna apologize away my feelings anymore. I’m really happy to have you in my life. I just don’t know what to do sometimes because I feel like I’ve been depressed for decades and decades. I’ve only mastered covering it up. But with you I can’t hide my facial expressions and I physically cannot cover up my emotions. Because with you I wanna be completely honest, I need to be, because you love me. And love has always been difficult for me but I say it to you because you make me feel complete. Its just sometimes when I don’t feel desired I take it very personally. But I’m very grateful for you because I can’t imagine how exhausting it is to love me yet you continue to do it anyway. I love you because I choose to and no matter how depressed I feel I’m always happy to hear your voice and even the static on the other line when you’re honoring the silence in between as I vent. I know nothing else stronger than you. A daily dose of you is always my perfect prescription. You’re just what I need because I always feel better when I feel your warmth, in your words, when we huggle and cuddle. I snuggle in your neck, so happy that you’re mine.

Validation of Self Love

It’s okay to worry about myself and care about my self and my feelings and my health and my safety and my mental well being and physical health. It’s okay to care about me. I am allowed to care about me. I am allowed to focus on me and my well being. Maybe I’ll take a class by myself and take myself to the movies. I am allowed to date myself even though I am in a relationship. I am allowed to treat myself to dinner with myself as company out in public. I am free and allowed to be free and feel free as I did when I was young. I am magic embodied in a celestial being. I am wonderfully made. Love sets me free emotionally and mentally and physically and spiritually. My worthiness is infinite. My worth is multidimensional and omnipresent. My experiences matter. And my desire for love is abundantly fulfilled.

Remember happiness

Happiness doesn’t last very long in my brain. I’m working on that. It’s pain that begets the most passion in me. I’ve always been afraid of that becoming my identity. Good moments aren’t notorious for sticking around. But painful memories have a special knack for lasting longer than desired. Am I just human or am I forever jaded? Or is it human to believe I’m forever jaded. Ignorant to what beauty the future holds that would change me forever and free me from a haunting past. “In due time my love” you say as I restlessly await to birth and experience these beautiful moments. My happy place; feeling satisfied being old with you and sitting on our back porch watching the sunset. And after I close my eyes and feel the wind caress my face, I smile and recall those moments. My core memories that we made.

In the face of love

If I had only known love where there was pain how could I know love without it? I have felt pain without love for most of my life, so how can I be expected to know it’s adversary. Living in constant painful fear without knowing unconditional love, how can I be expected to know when it is real. Will I just know, will it dawn on me, will it be overwhelmingly obvious and proud and unmistakable? What will I do in the face of love— Reject it? Welcome it? Fear it? Question it? Doubt it? Judge it? Accuse it’s legitimacy? What will be the simplest yet most honest of reactions in the face of pure and utter love?

A simple wave might be a good place to start. To greet it with kindness and purity of heart. With a smile, I express my utmost gratitude for its offering and allow it to remain in my life as a simple beacon of hope. While I develop the strength to receive its truth, I shall rewrite mine with only thoughts of you.

My true love. Thank you for smiling back and holding me close.

9,854 days

It dawned on me this quiet foggy morning, it’s been toxic of me to hold myself accountable for things I had no control of. So immediately began forgiving myself profusely for I am deserving of self love in the form of forgiveness. “I forgive you, I forgive you, I’m forgiven”. Telling myself it’s okay that things are happening outside of my control because I know I handle very well that which I can control. “I promise, I’ll accept the things I cannot change”— trying my best to keep this in mind. Truthfully, it’s scary sometimes being at the mercy of circumstance and God. Because I have no idea what will happen. All that’s left for me to do is trust and pray things will turn out better than they’ve ever been before. Hoping I have more beautiful moments to look forward to. More love, more forgiveness, more passion, more grace, more trust, more joy, and more faith.

“And forever, more love”.

If these walls could walk

I’m starting to wonder if me sitting in my room

Laying in my bed

Is what it’s like being inside my head

It’s the perfect setting to overthink yourself into madness

Or sleep

Whichever you prefer

Since I was 7 I counted the walls the ceiling and the floor

I’d like to believe I paid my dues, being a prisoner here for this long

I deserve to be free.

Am I waiting for someone to give me a key?

No, one must be forged from within these walls

I unlock my mind with rhyme

Writing in ink and scribbling in paint

I create answers for questions that only I think

And I see clearer now, the choice has always been mine

To escape my mind I close my eyes and open my heart

And so it seems; I have been free all along