Sedation

I needed it before I knew you

But after you, which I never imagined there’d be an after you.

I don’t want to live life without it

The voices. The memories. Your voice. Your face.

Engrained. Engraved. Enslaved. Betrayed

Everyday I prayed. Everyday I pray that I had the strength and will to stay.

So I stay sedated so I stay sane.

But my brain is a silent film

I call it The Great White Hope.

Thousands of carefully constructed memories specified for this anticipated unwarranted unfortunate improbable and impromptu event.

Beauty and love and fairytales that lead to nothing but lies and gaslighting and death.

Cardiac arrest of my heart in your chest and your heart in mine.

We flatlined. I’m shocked but not surprised

Clear

My hope is now compacted in powdery milligrams.

Clear

I open my eyes every morning in mercy.

Clear

My sins are cleared. I give thanks. I resuscitate

I open a bottle and then another.

I open my mouth. I close it and swallow. I exhale.

And I continue breathing

no thanks to you, my dear