I’m gasping for air. I’m grasping for anything around me to pull me out of this place i’m in.

How did I get here? I thought I made the right decisions? I followed my heart and it was lonely. So why am I still sinking?

I’m losing oxygen but I can still see the light above be. It’s getting smaller by the minute I close my eyes and I fight the darkness trying to engulf me and drag me down. I know what’s down there and I don’t want to go back. I chose love to escape the hell beneath me so why do I keep on sinking? 

I don’t understand. Why is this happening? One moment I feel happy, hopeful even. And the next I’m right back here. Call it hypoxia from euphoria, but I’m not the same as I once was. 

I need to let the darkness have me just once more. That’s the only way out of this hole. 

Why oh why can’t it just let me go? 

Or is it me?

Is it my fault for desperately trying to hang on to something that will only slip through my fingers.

Like time in the sand, I’m searching for your hand.

It’s a sickness. Having loved you. It should be a sin what we’ve done to the word love. Bastardized it with jealousy, lust and addiction flooding its veins with passion and anguish. How could we be so selfish. So disgusting to pollute something so sacred. You said my heart was too pure for you. And it was, you were right. Before you my heart was a dove, a deer, an innocent child. Until the demons in your chest came out and ruined me. I let you in and you wrang the tears out from my heart like a rag. Cried until my chest caved in and passed out. Drowning in my pillowcase every night for what seemed like a thousand days. Midnight feels infinite at that age. I was broken, defeated, different. I never looked at love the same, somehow you’ve made saying “I love you” sound deranged. You’ve poisoned my pure heart. It’ll never beat the same. My vows to another feel impostorous as though written in vein, thanks to comparison. Because of your “love” you have plagued my heart with pain, destroying any wisp of trust in my brain. At the source like epinephrine to the chest you’ve left your mark deep in my heart. You called it compassion and ruined that for me too. Maybe, hopefully, someday that will change. But I will never be the same. I’ll never be pure again, because of you my twin flame.

Here she is staring into the sun and cloudy blue sky. She loves herself far and wide. Like the ocean love’s water.

When you hear me say it too, let me translate it for you. What I mean to say is, I’m so grateful but so scared of losing you. When you say I love you and I respond with thank you, I don’t want you to think I don’t love you back. What my heart is dying to say to you is, I have never felt this safe before. And I want you to know this haven of emotional comfort you’re giving me is so unfamiliar, it makes cautiously comfortable, but I’m so happy that it’s you. What I’m really trying to say is, I know you’ll never understand how hard it’s been for me to trust another person and I’m sorry for having inflicted my traumas on you, although you have healed me each time we talk them though. I’m hoping you will receive me and all my imperfections. I’m scared of what our past misunderstandings might mean for our future, but I’m holding onto you because there’s no one else I’d rather hold onto than you. You who continues to love me inside and out, so purely and imperfectly, wholeheartedly and spiritually. I feel our souls combine each time I sink into your chest. When you squeeze me tighter and hold me closer, enough to hear your heart beat the drums inside my ears. The warmth of your hands and your hands alone, when you wrap your arms around me is all I need to be revived from that dark and painfully familiar fog of doubt. When the past seeps through the cracks of my healing heart, making it hard to mend, it may be difficult to receive your kind gestures. I might be too much in my head to be convincing but I’m still here. Please believe me when I say it back, I’m learning from you how to love another person as selflessly as you do. When I return your sentiments, please read between the lines and understand I’m offering you a small piece of comfort within the fortress of my heart. Fearfully, and yet so much more easily each day, I mean it when I say, I love you too.