Nights like this I remember black love. When it was a sense of peace and understanding. Whether it be the feeling of fresh grass underneath our feet after a first kiss. Or the smell of your skin and the midnight air in August. The sound of your voice over a song from my childhood. Or the taste of your irish beer on my whiskey tongue. Moments so gentle and so smooth. Which sense belonged to you?

I close my eyes and search the darkness for your warm vibration.

Where are you hiding my love? Such path lies madness.

Unstable you’ve left me here questioning.

Asking questions to empty spaces, demanding responses from invisible forces.

Why me?

When by morning you’ll be gone.

And I’m left alone with the essence of your presence.

Take me with you into the night.

Where promise are lost and love takes flight.

Finally I’ve met you

Finally you see me

Finally you understand me

Finally I see you

Finally I feel you

I want to know you, explore you exploring me inside and out

Finally we found eachother’s missing pieces,

But finally we see there can be no we

And we learn that

Finally only lives in fairytales

If you’ve seen my scars you might be able to count how many times I’ve suffered love.

Invisible to the eye but wound deep inside my heart. How high can you count before you lose your place?

I can tell you the look on your face was mine every time I fell in love.

Again, and again, like it was the first time again. Trying to heal my scars with men and mend. I bend and bend again and again. When will it end?

My darling I beg you, please keep beating. I need you.

I promise to never stop counting, again.

My thoughts keep me up at night as they tell me I should be ashamed with the way I’ve acted. I try to inject it with thoughts of reassurance and positivity because that’s what I learned in over 3 years of therapy. And for that I am proud. I am proud of myself for making it this far.

Although problems are never ending, I am happy that my internal dialogue now has a positive side to combat my negative thoughts about myself. And that is what I call progress. It’s taken a lot of work and still does, but the hardest part has already been done. The preparation behind the conquest over the seas of my mind has already begun.

Like learning how to swim all I must do now is to keep kicking to stay afloat. To me staying afloat is congruent to staying alive. Hoping one day I’ll reach a point of “guruism”, where I’m laying completely and calmly above the still waters of my mind. An oasis where all my thoughts remain positive. With the exception of very few negative thoughts too weak to wade the currents beneath the surface, eventually giving up before ever reaching the top.

Is it me or does this weather feel like love? Like a smell from my childhood on the tip of my tongue.

I’ve been hit by this wind before.

I have been in love in this warm and windy night.

My veins exploding with butterflies from underneath my flesh. It’s the wind who embraces me now.

This vessel which holds my spirit revisits all dimensions our loved lived through. Lost in space and time, this pheromoned air hits my face and brushes my hair— reminding me of a gentle touch.

These goosebumps erupted memories, caused by a nosy wind who witnessed our intimate adventures. How timeless our love felt in this weather.

I have felt this wind before.

It found me and came to ask when will we meet again.

I’m left with these memories.

I beg you. Tell me, did they even happen?

I‘ve been victimized by the emotions tied to you so for that I demand your endlessness in return.

Lost in your universe I have slipped and fallen into your beautiful blackholes

Unsex me right now until all is bare and still

Have I been here before?

I have felt the results of your oh so righteous power

Your mindless conviction to bring an end to my moments. How dare you!

Answer me. Have I ever left this place? Oh silver tongued devil, whom I cannot hide from.

Tell our beloved darkness I said hello

Because of you I shall revisit soon enough.

So, adieu. Au revoir. Until we meet again

However long will you last this time?

I dream every night. And because of that I learn a lot about myself from my dreams. It’s hard to remember exactly how it began, but I guess that’s just the lesson of life. It doesn’t matter where you came from or how you got started. What matters is where you’re choosing to go and which paths you take. There will be many unwanted moments and stops along the way, but it’s having the journey itself that makes all the difference. Life is a lot like dreams in a sense, even if you have no idea how it’ll end, it all makes the journey worthwhile.

I heard her call to me all day. To lay down my pain and suffering on top of her. And allow her to create something beautiful from it. She spoke in a small whisper until I got closer to where her voice could pull me in. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know what to do. I just had to do it. And do it on top of her. She told me what I had to do. Unlike any other voice in my life, when she speaks I listen, right away. She told me to show myself and all who are watching that she and I are part of something way bigger than the eyes can see, and hands can feel.

Paris was such an intimate experience for me. I felt like I was home for the first time in my life. I honestly wished I could’ve stayed longer, but trust me I’ll be back soon enough. My spirit felt so at peace. I took this trip alone because I didn’t want to wait any longer for anyone to go with me. And I wanted this experience to be mine, as intimately as possible. This was my soul searching, self discovering, redefining my independence, gift to myself. And to do so alone and completely fearless was such a beautiful accomplishment. It truly feels amazing to have taken such a major step “into the arena” like Brene Brown says when choosing to DARE GREATLY.