I needed it before I knew you

But after you, which I never imagined there’d be an after you.

I don’t want to live life without it

The voices. The memories. Your voice. Your face.

Engrained. Engraved. Enslaved. Betrayed

Everyday I prayed. Everyday I pray that I had the strength and will to stay.

So I stay sedated so I stay sane.

But my brain is a silent film

I call it The Great White Hope.

Thousands of carefully constructed memories specified for this anticipated unwarranted unfortunate improbable and impromptu event.

Beauty and love and fairytales that lead to nothing but lies and gaslighting and death.

Cardiac arrest of my heart in your chest and your heart in mine.

We flatlined. I’m shocked but not surprised

Clear

My hope is now compacted in powdery milligrams.

Clear

I open my eyes every morning in mercy.

Clear

My sins are cleared. I give thanks. I resuscitate

I open a bottle and then another.

I open my mouth. I close it and swallow. I exhale.

And I continue breathing

no thanks to you, my dear

War is never fair

This morning I felt something pounding inside my chest. I could hear it in my head almost obnoxiously as if it was to come out of my ears. So I guess its still there.

Functional.

Though it’s been drained of eros.

With a side of depression

Topped off with delirium

Served by our very own insomnia.

Bon appétit

Her collar bone starts to show again.

As we say grace

I pray only the best for you

I loved you so hard I gave you my whole heart. That meant forgiving you and supporting you and encouraging you and validating you and holding you and wiping your tears and kissing you. I made time for me on the outside I did my hair I painted my nails, I wash my hair and brushed my teeth. I wore pretty clothes and wax my pussy bald. Red and blue light therapy on my skin. I went to therapy for my mind. But I completely abandoned my heart when I gave it to you and took it back the day you made it ache for me.

No matter what I did for you and for me on the outside my heart still belonged to me and missed its true home inside my chest and my chest alone. Maybe it feels so strange to be back home because it’s been abandoned and mangled by you without me even knowing. You didn’t know what to do with it you were ungrateful and resented it and betrayed it in the end. You disappointed it for a final time when I decided it had enough. I thought you would take care of it the way I was taking care of yours. But I guess I wasn’t doing right by it either, at least not what you were in a position to receive. But you weren’t doing my heart the justice it deserved.

Everyone loves to say “love yourself” and “focus on yourself” but never says what that really means. So for me loving myself looks like not giving up on my progress and my dreams. And for the first time in 5 years I feel like I need to keep trying for myself. I’m loving myself by not giving up on me and what I have always wanted for me.

I wonder what the shape of my heart looks like after all its been through. The way and weight it feels in my chest is so unfamiliar it barely feels like my own. The way it beats the way it sits against all odds it still exists. I’ve poured so much of it into you trying to build and fix us that I’ve deformed my own heart unrecognizable to it very owner. This doesn’t feel like the same heart I had for years. My childhood heart light and fluttery my teenage heart heavy but free. But this. My adult heart post war feels like it’s on life support after receiving a transplant. Rocking back and forth pleading to my God in heaven to take the pain away and He did. Begging like a fallen sinner addicted to a human substance. I believed in us so hard because you also believed in us too. I saw you work yourself day and night and pleaded for you to take a break. Our dream was accomplished but at your expense which you couldn’t turn off after it was done. Now I pay the price of living without my other half. A broken dream. A broken heart. A broken soul and spirit. Heaven forgive me I tried to be what I have never known, peace. I failed but not on my own. I only wanted us to have a home. “Home is wherever you are” Maybe that’s why my heart feels this way. Because My Heart in human form has pushed me away.

The thirst was once mutual

Until you cut my supply

You kept me thirsty how could you

Was it because your well was dry?

I’m licking my lips puckered for a kiss

And all I can get is a mouth full of lies

Can’t bear you to see me naked but hope you undress me with your eyes

I’m starving for rain

Trying to soothe your pain

At the brink of dehydrating until you served me a spoon of water

And I complain, I say its too little and too salty

Unbeknownst to me you poured yourself into that spoon

The tears of whatever love you had left

For me