I love words.
But the word, writer…
Gives me THE most anxiety.
It doesn’t feel like I deserve the title because I don’t do it justice everyday. Or maybe not the justice I believe it deserves, in terms of quantity. Its funny, for a person who values quality so much, I sure do base a lot of things on quantity. I’m pretty much a hypocrite who isn’t afraid to admit it but is afraid to be called out on it. Just like anyone else would. So I hide and I write, feeling like a fraud for telling people I’m a writer whenever they ask “so what do you do”. I lie to myself as I lie to them because I am my greatest critic. As I tell myself to “always do better than I know I can”. Which I know can be very inhibiting and kind of self sabotaging, but I still do it anyways.
What can I say I’m a work in progress. Even though I subconsciously know no other way to treat myself because I’ve always been treated this way by people who claimed they loved me but didn’t really mean it. [WOW tangent] But how was I supposed to know the difference. This is the part where my therapist would ask me “well what do you mean by that”. Well thats the problem, I don’t know. And now this is the part where my best friend would annoyingly affirm “yes you do”. But the one thing I do know is that I’m old enough to decipher whether or not someone genuinely cares about me. However, I often confuse it with instant gratification, selfishness and egocentricity.
So it’s safe to say I’m never 100% certain when it comes to other peoples true intentions. I know few people I used to call “friend” or even family who fooled me into believing their deceitful agenda against my own better judgement. But I guess it’s hope that makes us foolish, especially if there is recurring proof of the matter. I guess my therapist was right, I am good at dancing around the real problem at hand. Although I still can’t tell the difference between love and lies. I’m always hoping that I’ll be wrong, even when I know I’m right about someone. Trusting my gut is a skill I haven’t yet mastered. Just for the simple pleasure of hoping the world isn’t as dark as we paint it to be.
That; whenever the sun has “turned its back” on us, it’s still shinning brightly somewhere else.
-Peace till my next blog ✌🏾