I love helping others out don’t get me wrong, but I had a spiritual awakening one day where I felt I was constantly doing for others but not for myself. How does one fix that? Through a hobby, volunteerism, charity, humbling jobs, inaction, envy, jealousy, anger, spite? Laying in bed after waking up a hour ago, I find myself in deep thoughts like I’m living in a dream state. Except I can’t keep my eyes closed for too long. The only problem is I don’t know what I should be looking at or focused on. I have always positioned my purpose outside of myself and it makes me feel content for a while. But internally this hollow feeling creeps in and I find myself feeling unfulfilled. And I’ve tried filling this void with God, work, men, love, women, more love, art, films, music, poetry, drugs, alcohol, food and sex. And what I have learned is that this void is never ending, and will never be filled with just one thing. As I write this I try and think of myself as a well in the middle of a forest. And how I have never seen one permanently filled to the top. Maybe this life of mine isn’t meant to stay filled to capacity, and I’m just supposed to be satisfied with that. Being content with feeling unfinished for as long as my life continues on. Maybe there’s purpose in that.
Viva La Milliee 