Life is a blessing and a curse

Do the beauties of life outweigh the discomfort. I feel trapped by both death and life. They say the dead envy the living so why do I envy the dead. How can I envy the dead without knowing their experience. When the dead knows what they’ll be missing: The touch of a loved one. The smell of fresh lillies. The warmth of the sun. I know what I’d miss most the sound of your voice and the waves on the beach. My therapist tells me people have babies and pets because they make life joyful and easier to bear. But I can’t bear the acceptance that life is something we must bear. The pain is too much. The monotony of everyday life and routine. Who created this system? Am I foolish or selfish for envying the dead. My mother say the dead know nothing, and that scares me more than suffering. Being conscious of nothingness and my thoughts forever thinking “what have I done”. I fear that most than suffering pain everyday. Thank God it’s not everyday. Luckily there are things and people who make life more bearable. Until that final day of nothingness. Maybe this is why we have heaven. It has to be.