It’s okay to worry about myself and care about my self and my feelings and my health and my safety and my mental well being and physical health. It’s okay to care about me. I am allowed to care about me. I am allowed to focus on me and my well being. Maybe I’ll take a class by myself and take myself to the movies. I am allowed to date myself even though I am in a relationship. I am allowed to treat myself to dinner with myself as company out in public. I am free and allowed to be free and feel free as I did when I was young. I am magic embodied in a celestial being. I am wonderfully made. Love sets me free emotionally and mentally and physically and spiritually. My worthiness is infinite. My worth is multidimensional and omnipresent. My experiences matter. And my desire for love is abundantly fulfilled.

Happiness doesn’t last very long in my brain. I’m working on that. It’s pain that begets the most passion in me. I’ve always been afraid of that becoming my identity. Good moments aren’t notorious for sticking around. But painful memories have a special knack for lasting longer than desired. Am I just human or am I forever jaded? Or is it human to believe I’m forever jaded. Ignorant to what beauty the future holds that would change me forever and free me from a haunting past. “In due time my love” you say as I restlessly await to birth and experience these beautiful moments. My happy place; feeling satisfied being old with you and sitting on our back porch watching the sunset. And after I close my eyes and feel the wind caress my face, I smile and recall those moments. My core memories that we made.

If I had only known love where there was pain how could I know love without it? I have felt pain without love for most of my life, so how can I be expected to know it’s adversary. Living in constant painful fear without knowing unconditional love, how can I be expected to know when it is real. Will I just know, will it dawn on me, will it be overwhelmingly obvious and proud and unmistakable? What will I do in the face of love— Reject it? Welcome it? Fear it? Question it? Doubt it? Judge it? Accuse it’s legitimacy? What will be the simplest yet most honest of reactions in the face of pure and utter love?

A simple wave might be a good place to start. To greet it with kindness and purity of heart. With a smile, I express my utmost gratitude for its offering and allow it to remain in my life as a simple beacon of hope. While I develop the strength to receive its truth, I shall rewrite mine with only thoughts of you.

My true love. Thank you for smiling back and holding me close.

It dawned on me this quiet foggy morning, it’s been toxic of me to hold myself accountable for things I had no control of. So immediately began forgiving myself profusely for I am deserving of self love in the form of forgiveness. “I forgive you, I forgive you, I’m forgiven”. Telling myself it’s okay that things are happening outside of my control because I know I handle very well that which I can control. “I promise, I’ll accept the things I cannot change”— trying my best to keep this in mind. Truthfully, it’s scary sometimes being at the mercy of circumstance and God. Because I have no idea what will happen. All that’s left for me to do is trust and pray things will turn out better than they’ve ever been before. Hoping I have more beautiful moments to look forward to. More love, more forgiveness, more passion, more grace, more trust, more joy, and more faith.

“And forever, more love”.

I’m starting to wonder if me sitting in my room

Laying in my bed

Is what it’s like being inside my head

It’s the perfect setting to overthink yourself into madness

Or sleep

Whichever you prefer

Since I was 7 I counted the walls the ceiling and the floor

I’d like to believe I paid my dues, being a prisoner here for this long

I deserve to be free.

Am I waiting for someone to give me a key?

No, one must be forged from within these walls

I unlock my mind with rhyme

Writing in ink and scribbling in paint

I create answers for questions that only I think

And I see clearer now, the choice has always been mine

To escape my mind I close my eyes and open my heart

And so it seems; I have been free all along

For so long I’ve created this faux vision of my life and how I wanted to live it so I could escape my reality and make a whole new life for myself. I’ve been trying this for decades. Until after my twenty second revolution [around the sun] my entire faux world came crashing down and began imploding within me. My fog was lifting mentally and my vail that I had conjured to cover my eyes from the truths around me began to crumble. All that I had ever known to be true in mind but false behind the veil was creeping through and forcing me to let go. But I still held on anyways because it was all I had ever known, all I have ever had to keep me afloat for so many torrential revolutions. My entire life seemed to be made up of survival years and then it all started to flip upside down. My ancestral plane had had enough with me living so many lives and lies. And I was forced to face the truth about everything.

Another four revolutions of healing and truth seeking, I realized health and truth began seeking me too and by any means necessary. I became hyper aware of my energy and the energies around me, I feel was able to decipher them. I could see into my future through meditation and stillness. I could feel space and time. I was hearing and feeling my angels and ancestors much clearer and closer than before. I was aligning with my truths and leaving behind what no longer was right for me. While also allowing what is meant to be in alignment with my humbled planetary experience, I stopped fighting my true natures path.

I found love. And as it welcomes me back it protects me on multiple dimensions, even those unseen to the naked eye. It replenishes me in ways only felt conscious and unconsciously. It frees me and I feel free. So free it sometimes triggers me. All I’ve ever wanted was to be free. I never asked for this life to happen to me. Yet I’m grateful beyond belief to be experiencing such a beautiful cosmic universe as a vulnerable celestial being in a mid-temporary body. So here I am. Living the life I envisioned for myself, starting at the very beginning like a dream, patiently waiting to get to the parts I remember seeing.

I believe I’ve given up on my purpose so that I can live effortlessly without worrying about it.

Are we too programmed for survival?

It’s only now that I realize, hearing the voices and seeing the faces of the ones I love, brings me the most joy I could ever fathom.

Does this mean love is synonymous with life?

Giving up on my purpose is making it easier for me to live freely. Being unbeknownst, or simply anonymous, makes it easier for me to let it go. Loosening the reins on my direction eases the pressure off my present. My hands red and bruised from the tight grip around the ropes of my imaginary future filled purpose. Setting myself free of it has never felt so wonderful. Like a wild horse finally released in the Mediterranean meadows.

Her betrayal acts like a cancer. Infecting my mind and getting in the way of how I receive love. Waiting for him to betray me, waiting for the pain he might cause to end all my hope and faith in love. Waiting for the worst. I want this part of me to die. I conjure it in my dreams taking shape of a Tyrannosaurus rex. Everyone around me is prepared to kill it, waiting with their guns out, but I’m the only one hiding ready to jump out the window. Why can’t I just kill it. Who is that T-Rex, is it me? These past 2 years had a greater effect on me than I even realized. And because I’m not consistently at work, I’m not able to hide from my feelings. I’m forced to evaluate my value and face my demons—decide whether or not I’m going to let them destroy me. And I am. I’ll let it consume me and the worst parts of me. I’m willing burn and cleanse myself of self doubt, unworthiness, insecurity and toxic self talk and make peace with my shadows for the sake of love. So I can rise from the darkness anew. Just like I always do.